May 7, 2020
A Memoir of ALL Things Cancelled
About, hmmmmm, 14 days ago…”life” as we knew it flipped the script. The global pandemic of COVID-19 or Coronavirus spread its sticky and rapid wildfire like tentacles through countries, lungs, airwaves, internets, broadcast signals, and into our HOMES. Our places of perceived sanctuary. It forced us to turn “inside”…a place where most of us like to avoid. We are addicted to the sensation of moving. We perceive ourselves to thrive in “busy”, in “doing”, in “being”, in “working”, in “playing”, in “socializing”. We retreat from stillness, from being present, from sitting with Love. It is painful to witness our own fear. Fear of being alone with our children, our partners, our thoughts, our selves. My heart aches for everyone having a hard time with our current ‘constraints’ but my experience has been other. This “break”, or pause, I am experiencing has been a gift from the Universe. An opportunity to actually, and finally, embrace the intuitive urge, the internal screaming, the blinding desire…to just STOP IT ALL. To slowly and lovingly step of of the merry-go-round. To plant my feet on the Earth, inhale, and actually FEEL my heart beating in my chest.
This is not an essay about new found productivity and household purging, or a renewed passion for running or home workouts, or binge eating my way through my feelings, or homeschooling my children. This is about STOPPING. Stopping it ALL. The life I knew is fucking cancelled folks! And with that comes a freedom that I never knew possible. I get to follow my, and my family’s, own unique flows and rhythms. I get to listen to them and to my SELF. There is nothing and no one to DROWN OUT. I get to check my own internal compass, thermometer, intuition, guide, spirit, and simply BE. I get to witness when and where I am trying to assert control in the face of powerlessness. I get to stand in the rain and yell: “The life we knew was UN-FUCKING MANAGEABLE”…and yet all we did was manage. Manage our days, our schedules, our kids, our expectations, our bodies. Aren’t y’all EXHAUSTED from the managing?!?!
I am in no way trying to minimize the devastation of this virus, but I refuse to buy into anxiety and tailing spinning lack of control. I am expressing my truth. Your truth may look different and I want to know and hear about it. Yesterday I did something that I haven;t allowed myself to do since having children. I read a book, cover to cover, while my kids…who knows, they were inside, they were safe, and for the love of all things HOLY they WERE QUIET (I expected screens may have been involved). I read Glennon Doyle’s Memoir “Love Warrior”. For me, the clouds legit parted and I swear on my life I saw God. Now this manifestation of “God” happens to be a tiny, blond, 5 foot 2, internationally acclaimed author…but shit man, the energy and clarity to spilled out of her onto these pages and then leapt up into my chest and made it explode was “one of those” moments. And it got me thinking.
First, it got me thinking, “I need to save my marriage”. I need to do the hard work and have the badass bravery to say the difficult yet ‘elephant-in-the-room’ things that need to be said. So I did. And I didn’t die. I “stayed on my mat” and was a Love Warrior. Is there a road ahead of us, yes. Does it look less daunting now that we’ve gone underneath, admitted we have a problem, and that we need to start taking our marriage one day at a time? Can we do the next right thing, while being true to who we actually are and not some forced creation or character that repeatedly numbs themselves to the world with food, Netflix, cigarettes, alcohol, work, more food, and then WAY more Netflix? I believe we can.
Secondly, it got me panicking, “I need to worry less about being a good mom, and be more of a present and gracious mom”. I need to worry less about my kids as they grow and become physically less dependent on me, and more concerned about how they are experiencing and learning emotional independence. This is a BIG and REAL thing. We have all bought into the myths that we are responsible for how others feel and that other people are responsible for how we feel. We have circled around that peccadillo for generations. I want off that merry-go-round as well. So I’m dedicating time and intention to relearning and retraining my emotional independence so I can lead by example. K asks if “we were borned first or if we died first?”, B says we are all made from “Stardust”…either way I think I’ll let them lead me for a while.
Thirdly, it got me LIT! My beautiful business partner, Emma Grimstead, and I (before COVID closed us down and essentially bankrupt us) had been brainstorming some new and exciting plans. We wanted to start focussing more on Self-Expression as a tool for healing, Creativity as a tool for connection, and Inspiration as a life force that moves individuals and communities to a greater place of acceptance, love and understanding. We were making ALL the plans but then kinda got the rug pulled out from under us and are struggling to regain our footing with all the current uncertainties. Emma has started some awesome self-expression challenges online for you to do with your kids! Check them out on IG or FB @hubproductionsmuskoka.
Since my current EXPRESSION jams are reading & writing, moving my bodacious bod, listening to music, creating community, and practicing being authentic & honest, I would like to take this time to focus on how I’m showing up with my self-expression and how we can all help each other through this with creativity and inspiration. Like my ramblings above, with each share I’d like to try to talk about either: a book that has “Opened Up” my ability to authentically express myself, a cancelled “Expression Event” that I’m experiencing, an example of how I’m creatively and bravely “Living a Fully Expressed Life”, or maybe just a bunch of songs that help “Express What I’m Fucking Feeling”! I INVITE you all to play in this COVID-19 free playground with us. Show up, be brave, your pain is as beautiful and as worthy as your joy! #expressyourself #expressionsessions